I just transferred all of the birthdays my mother kept track of from her 2012 calendar onto our new 2013 calendar. I had no idea how difficult it would be to go through it – month by month – and see the events of last year written out in her handwriting. Chemo treatment after chemo treatment. Blood work. Radiation. Meeting with doctors. It was hard to swallow. By the end of December, the calendar transfers over into my handwriting. She was no longer writing in it – it was me that was recording her appointments.
Except for the last day of the year which simply said in her handwriting – Selah 1.
The day my mother went into the emergency room.
I hate that I am now the one writing in her calendar. I was with her when she bought it. My mom always had two calendars hanging in the pantry – the one that I gave her for Christmas every year with pictures of the girls and the one from the dollar store to actually keep her schedule on. She liked keeping the other one “clean”.
It is emotionally difficult to daily transfer our lives from one that she was a part of to one without her.
Today is my parent’s 33rd wedding anniversary. I went to two different stores looking for a card to give my dad. Everything I saw said – to my Mom and Dad or to my parents. I walked out of both stores with nothing.
In two days, it will be my 29th birthday. For the last 28 years, my mom has been the one to buy or make me a cake, pick out presents, wrap them up and figure out what kind of party I wanted. Just last year, we celebrated with four Cinnabons from Bangkok, Thailand.
On the morning that my mom passed away, a friend came to see her and pray with her. She read Psalm 121 to her:
I lift up my eyes to the mountains—
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord,
the Maker of heaven and earth.
He will not let your foot slip—
he who watches over you will not slumber;
indeed, he who watches over Israel
will neither slumber nor sleep.
The Lord watches over you—
the Lord is your shade at your right hand;
the sun will not harm you by day,
nor the moon by night.
The Lord will keep you from all harm—
he will watch over your life;
the Lord will watch over your coming and going
both now and forevermore.
Thank you Lord for your daily help. Amen.