Complicated

Today I wanted to call my mother and ask her which bedding she liked for the girls.  A friend of a friend is possibly gifting us some bunk beds (let’s all say a prayer for that – my biggest fear is that Macy breaks her arm on the second day) and if we get them, we “need” some twin size bedding for the top bunk. I’m standing in the aisle trying to make a decision and wanted to call my mom.

Mother’s Day and I have a complicated relationship.  On the one hand, my girls are so sweet and they make me cards and they give me gifts and lots of extra hugs. We usually take one picture of the four of us – which may be the only one we get all year.  If I’m feeling extra lucky, I may even get one of me with each girl by ourselves.

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But on the other hand, Mother’s Day is a day when everyone else is celebrating their mom.  The social media posts begin, the pictures pop up, and everyone makes plans to take their mom out to eat.  It’s not that I don’t want people to celebrate their moms – they absolutely should – but I start to feel a little sad.  I want to post a picture with my mom, I want to take her out to eat.  I want to have the girls make her cards and buy her gifts and give her lots of extra hugs.

It’s hard for me to realize that most of the people I am friends with now have never even met my mother.  She’s been gone for so long that I actually spend more time with people who  never knew her than I do with people who did.  This is why on Mother’s Day, I wanted to go back to my home church – the place where I grew up, where I believed, where I was baptized, where I was married, where I was commissioned, where my mother’s funeral was held.  It’s always felt like home to me, but without my mother, it feels a little smaller, a little sadder. Most people don’t know me anymore, most people didn’t know her.  But it’s still my church.  And it’s still her church.  And I wanted to go to church with my mother on Mother’s Day.

I sat in the area that she would have sat in. I sat with one of her friends.  I thought of her the entire time and gosh, I missed her more than words can say.  But it was so worth it – because I went to church with my mother on Mother’s Day.

So I guess from now on, Mother’s Day and I will always have a complicated relationship.  I suppose all relationships are complicated anyway.

Happy Mother’s Day.  Tell your mom you love her.  Tell her how much she means to you.  And don’t forget to give her extra hugs on Mother’s Day.

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