Mother’s Day (Again)

You know, Mother’s Day sneaks up on me every single year. I mean, hello. It’s in May. I know it’s in May. But for some reason, I spend more time thinking about how it will be tough to get through my mom’s birthday, Christmas, and the anniversary of her death, that I completely forget about Mother’s Day. And yet, here it is again.

I don’t completely hate Mother’s Day. When everything is normal, I love the little presents the girls bring home from school. I love the little tea parties they used to have for the mothers when I had a girl in preschool. I love the question and answer sheets – how old is your mommy? What does your mommy do while you are in school? What is your mommy’s favorite food?

But I do not love it either. It reminds me that my mother is not here. That she has not been here for a very long time and I feel sad. She’s been gone so long, I almost feel like I need to apologize for STILL being sad, as if each year that she’s gone gives me less of an excuse to feel sad.

Grief is a strange, complicated beast. Just the other day, I was talking to Selah about something and we got talking about her hair. I told her I liked how long it had grown out and asked her if she still wanted to cut it short (that’s what she wanted to do last year). She said yes – that she did want to cut it short. And she wanted bangs. I laughed out loud because when I was a kid, it was super popular to have bangs and I begged my mom for them. She (consulting with our friend who cut my hair) told me no, that I would change my mind right after we cut them and then it would take forever to grow them back out. (In her defense, she was right.) So I told Selah this – you may think you want them, but then if you change your mind, it takes a long time for your hair to grow out and it’s kind of a pain. Selah kept insisting – her friends have bangs, they look really cute – and I agreed with her, but I still didn’t think it was a good idea for Selah because 1. she hates having hair in her face and 2. is my most low-maintenance child. After a few minutes of back and forth, I was still laughing at the whole conversation – it reminded me of my mom so much! – that I had to call our friend who lived through the whole bang thing with us. I was telling her the story and we were laughing and remembering everything my mom had said – and then all of a sudden, I wasn’t laughing anymore. I was crying. I was heartbroken that my mom wasn’t here for all of this. How could she not be here? How could she miss this? These are her grandchildren. She should get to hear them, to see them, to hug them.

So this is how I feel about Mother’s Day. It’s a day where you celebrate mothers. And we should celebrate mothers. But it’s a hard one, for sure. It doesn’t matter how long ago your mother has gone, you will always miss her. You will always feel as though an appendage is missing. You will learn to work around the hurt, the sadness, the grief, but it will still be there.

To my mother, I miss you. I wish you were here on Mother’s Day (or any day, for that matter). Thanks for being my advocate, my cheerleader, my friend. But most of all, thanks for being my mother.

Blue

Today Selah’s teacher read the class a poem (on YouTube) about the color red and then talked about how the author used her five senses to create images of the color red. She then challenged the students to choose their own color and use imagery to craft a poem.

Here is what Selah wrote –

Blue is clear water floating in the breeze

It’s flowers swaying side to side happily

Blue is happiness when you feel safe and sound

It’s a feeling that you know won’t let you down

Blue is fluffy clouds as soft as can be

It’s sky blue flower petals, as pretty as can be

Blue is that voice that guides you home

It’s a sound that says you are not alone

Blue is a clear blue sky that is oh so wide

It’s an ocean that never stops to rest

Oh, blue has so many feelings

It’s the best

By: Selah George

I’m sure I’ve already told the story on here somewhere, but we talked about using the name Selah as Macy’s middle name. I liked the name, but didn’t want Macy’s initials to be MSG. So we pocketed Selah and decided to use it if we had a second daughter.

When I found out I was pregnant with another girl, Jeff was excited to get to use the name Selah. I was a little nervous – I loved the name and the meaning, but was concerned that it would be mispronounced or that people wouldn’t understand it. But Jeff prevailed and Selah was born.

We had no idea how perfect her name would be. Only God did.

I personally have no experience with being truly talented at something – just plain old God given talent from birth. I’m not whining or complaining, I feel fine about it. I did well in school, I enjoy lots of things, but it’s not like I just excelled in one area.

So to have a child who can write and create such beautiful poetry since she could talk – it just blows me away. Selah has been making up songs since she was a toddler. When she learned how to write, she started writing songs and then would sing them to us on our fireplace “stage”. She’s able to express herself far beyond her years. So while this poem should not have surprised me, it brought me to tears. Thank you God for giving us this beautiful, precious little girl to brighten up our lives and bring you glory time and time again. Selah reminds us that we cannot take credit for who she is – that God perfectly made her and is shaping her into the person He wants her to be. I’m just grateful I get to watch.

Role Reversal

Before the quarantine (I think a lot of things will now be labeled ‘before the quarantine’), I knew my roles and easily transitioned from role to role as the day played out.

I was get-everyone-ready mom in the morning.

While the big girls were at school, I fluctuated between several roles. These included (but were not limited to):

Work-with-Jeff

Run-errands

Do-chores

Play-with-baby (definitely more fun than the other three – don’t tell Jeff)

Have-quiet-time/Bible study

When the girls came home from school, I also wore several hats, but still managed to (mostly) keep my sanity. These roles included:

Drive-people-to-activity

Help-with-homework

Read-aloud

Make-sure-kids-go-outside-and-play (because gosh, they’ve been at school all day!)

Cross-fingers-and-hope-Jeff-comes-home-by-5-so-he-can-cook-dinner

Ok, ok. Sometimes I made the dinner.

Anyway, these roles were pretty self-explanatory. My late afternoons and early evenings may have been a bit hectic – I mean, three girls with homework/piano practice/activities plus a baby was a lot, but at least it was only one part of my day. Most moms I know are pretty good multi-taskers, and while I may not be the best, I’m certainly well-practiced. I can cook dinner, spell words out, and keep an eye on the baby with the best of them.

But the quarantine has been the ultimate multitaskers challenge. All of the roles – with a few more added in for fun – are completely messy and intermingled. I’m actually trying to be teacher-piano instructor-playtime coordinator-meal maker-nursery worker-craft designer-housekeeper-Jeff helper-board game player-baby feeder-

AT THE SAME TIME.

When all of this started, I felt completely overwhelmed. All of a sudden, we were at home every day, all day, making messes and trying to get along, while “homeschooling” and working.

All I wanted was a nap and a Roomba.

I know, I know. Many of you are thinking – just make a schedule. It will help you. It will help your kids. Everyone loves a schedule. Everyone wins with a schedule.

And to you, I say – as kindly and gently as I can because of course you are right – I would love to have a schedule. But even if I did, I have four kids. All in different grades. All with different needs. And one of those kids – the neediest one! – is a baby. She doesn’t care about a schedule. She doesn’t care that I just need one more minute to help Macy finish her math homework. She cries when she cries. She’s hungry when she’s hungry. And she’s super mobile and into everything and is in that really fun stage of you-can’t-take-your-eyes-off-of-her-for-one-second. This does not make for a very conducive school environment. There’s no way we can get everything done during her naptime.

So here’s what I’m trying instead of a schedule. In my mind, I’ve got goals for the day. (I get an extra gold star if I actually get my goals for the day written down where I can refer to them.)

Example goals may be –

Read one chapter of a book out loud (currently reading Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, next up is The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe)

Go through a Bible story and talk about what it teaches us about God and man

Clean or organize one part of the house

One to two subjects of work sent by teacher per kid

Practice piano songs

Go outside and PLAY – ride bikes/long family walk/pick flowers

So while each day may look a little different than it did pre-quarantine, and I may not be able to “get it all done”, I’m reminded of all the things I’m grateful for. That my girls have each other. That we are healthy and have a safe home to live in. That we figured out some ways to talk to and keep up with family and friends. That their teachers are sending home videos, work and hosting regular Zoom meetings. That I’ve had a chance to start back up with a little bit of writing – no matter how interrupted I’ve been.

We may not have it all together, but I feel pretty good about what we’ve got going on. I am definitely looking forward to eating out again. And playdates. And worshipping with others.

And maybe, just maybe, I should just get that Roomba anyway.

Nature vs. Nurture

I’ve got to write stuff like this down, because I’ll never be able to remember it all.

A few weeks back, the girls were getting ready to go to bed. Teeth brushing, fluoride rinsing, going to the bathroom, we’ve got this routine down. But I noticed that something was off, so I stopped putting away laundry – or whatever else I was doing – and went to investigate.

Macy had cleared off the top of the toilet and was taking the lid off. Without missing a beat, she stuck her hand in, pulled the chain up and after one failed attempt, reattached it to the thingy that it goes on. She put the lid back on, put everything back in it’s home, and went to wash her hands. Seeing me standing there watching her, she offered an explanation.

“It wasn’t flushing. So I fixed it.”

Yeah, like that’s normal.

I’m 36 – a lot older than she is – and it has never, not once, occurred to me to fix the toilet if it’s not working. My standard response is, “Jeff! The toilet’s not working!”

But there she was. My ten year old getting it done.

A couple of days ago, Jeff had to run an errand and asked Selah to go with him. We are in the midst of the Coronavirus shut down (that’s for a whole other post), so they weren’t planning to get out of the car.

During her car ride, Selah decided to write a poem. An acrostic poem on Coronavirus. I’ve included it below –

Crazy time

Oh, a virus

Raining down

Over us

No one could escape

Away we said

Vibes taking over our breath

I’m forced to stay at home

Running away from it

Uh, we breathe

Sadness takes over

I’m still 36 – a lot older than she is – and I love to write, but I’m pretty sure it has never occurred to me to write an acrostic poem on just about anything.

But there she was. My eight year old getting it done.

There’s a lot of discussion about nature versus nurture. I don’t know too much about it – only what I’ve been able to see in my own family. But let me tell you one thing – God made these girls special. And different. And completely amazing, if you ask me. There’s so many things (so many!) that we didn’t teach them. They just do. Or they just get. It’s completely mind blowing.

I can’t wait to see what else they will do.

Newborns

Even though Kate wasn’t quite five years old yet, I had forgotten what the first few days after having a baby are like. Tired. Tired. And then more tired.

That first night in the hospital, Haven slept like a champ. I think we actually woke her up at some point to eat. We’d thought we finally had gotten the Holy Grail. A baby that actually slept. The next morning, I was feeling great – well, as great as one can feel after delivering a baby – and even better when our friends brought me bagels and lox for breakfast.

We got Haven home that day around dinnertime-ish. The girls were so excited. I don’t remember much, but I’m sure it was hard for them to go to sleep. Jeff set up Haven’s pack and play and I’m sure I took a shower at some point.

What I do remember is that first full night at home.

It’s not a pleasant memory.

That sweet, sweet little baby girl that I had just given birth to would not sleep. I swaddled and fed her, but the minute I put her down, she cried. So I carried her around and fed her some more. And then tried, oh so gently, to put her down. She cried.

I “slept” the majority of that night with a Boppy in my lap, feeding a baby, sitting straight up.

Newborns.

I’m pretty sure the next day, Jeanette came over and held her for a while and I finally got a little bit of sleep. That was pretty amazing.

The next few nights were not so wonderful either. The good thing about having four kids – well, having four kids who aren’t great sleepers anyway – is that you know it’s coming. And you know it will not last forever. I remember when Macy was born and she wouldn’t sleep, I cried right along with her, because I believed (genuinely) that this would last forever. I thought I would never sleep again.

Which, as a mom, has a little bit of truth to it.

But, I did sleep again. At least a lot better than in those first few newborn months.

Good thing they come out so cute.

Haven

Dear Haven,

Your birth story is one of my favorites. Ok, let’s be honest – they’re all one of my favorites, but yours is pretty great. It doesn’t matter that you are the fourth child in our family, your story is just like you – perfect.

For one thing, because you are the fourth child in our family, I was a little nervous about how the whole thing would go down – especially for the other three girls. I had more than one sleepless night where I worried about going in labor in the middle of the night. There were so many unanswered questions – who would fix the lunches? Who would take them to school? Who would fix their hair?!

But the Lord was very gracious to me. He knew all of my worries and He (in only a way that He can) took care of ALL the details.

The night before you were born, Aunt Kasie, Uncle JB, Ryker and baby Ella were in town. It was the night before they flew out and I convinced them to meet us at a nearby bluebonnet patch where we took pictures of the kids.

After the girls had gone to bed, Aunt Kasie and Uncle JB brought baby Ella over so we could hang out more. I remember being a little sad that you weren’t here yet, because I really wanted you to meet them. I also remember looking at baby Ella – who at that point was not quite three months old – and thinking, wow. We’re going to do this again. Do we remember how to do this?

That night when I went to bed, everything was normal. Little did I know, you would make your grand entrance the next day.

The next morning, I woke up a few minutes before my alarm went off. And I just knew. You were coming today.

I didn’t say a thing. I got Macy and Selah up. I fixed their lunches, made sure they brushed their teeth. I made breakfast and fixed their hair. And just like most mornings, they left right on time with my dad for school.

I was definitely in labor, but my contractions were still plenty far apart. This was not my first rodeo and I knew we had plenty of time.

I remember waking up Daddy and telling him – there’s no need to panic, but I’m in labor. We’ve still got time, so I’m going to go pack for the girls.

I know, I know. I should have already packed for them. But I was almost a little bit afraid to. Like if I did, I would jinx the whole thing, and you would never come. So I packed then. A couple of school uniforms, some regular clothes, nightgowns, toothbrush, pj’s. Enough for two days just in case. I got all the blankets/stuffed animals/loveys wrapped up and asked Daddy to carry all the suitcases to the car.

Then, it was time to wake up Kate. I had already arranged with a friend to take Kate to preschool, because (oddly enough) I had a doctor’s appointment that morning. So I texted her and asked if I could drop Kate off a little earlier than expected and she said that was fine.

After dropping off Kate, we headed up to the doctor’s office, which is connected to the hospital. I went in for my appointment – about 30 minutes early or so – and told them I was in labor. They smiled at me (probably not believing me for a second) and told me the doctor should be in any minute. They called my name and in I went, with a smile on my face.

I told the nurse I was in labor, who then went to get the doctor. She walked in and said – you’re in labor? But you’re wearing make-up? And you fixed your hair? I laughed out loud. She didn’t believe me either. But don’t worry, Haven. I was. You were coming today.

She sent me right over to the hospital and I got all set up and met my nurse. She asked if I wanted to be on the list for an epidural – I giggled and said what? Is it like setting up a restaurant reservation?! Yes! Put me on the list!

The one thing I was missing that day was listening to Kate perform at her school. Fortunately, both Grandma and Papa were able to make it and they videoed it for me.

By that afternoon, you were here. I was so surprised that you had a full head of white blonde hair. And oh my goodness, you were so beautiful. I couldn’t believe it. We’d been waiting nine months (well minus one week), and now here you were. And you were perfect.

Welcome to the world, our sweet baby Haven Lee. We love you so, so much.

First Day of School

As a kid, I loved the first day of school.  Everything is new, everything is exciting. So I’m always excited for my kids’ first day of school.  I’m not sure they are as much.  But they fake it well.

This is Kate and her bestie, Hadley. They’ve been in class together since they were 2.

 

Happy first day of school girls!

The Tale of Two Summers

This, my friends, is the tale of two summers.

The first summer is the one where I was supermom.

We went to the beach with cousins –

We built sandcastles.

We went swimming.  Oh, so much swimming.

We VBS’ed with friends.

We went to the zoo.

We went to the movies with friends.

We hit up as many splashpads as possible.  As many times as possible.

We went to the Aquarium.

We played in the rain.

We Fourth of July’ed.

We went to the Museum of Natural Science.

And oh yeah. More swimming.

And just when you thought it couldn’t get any more fun, we went ice-skating.

 

 

And then came mid-late July and the beginning of the second summer.

Nausea hit me like a ton of bricks.  Gone were the days of staying out in the sun.  Gone were the days of freedom.  We all said hello to a little more air-conditioning and a little more movie time.

I have been sick with all three of my girls, but this one by far takes the cake. I don’t know if it’s because I’m nine years older than I was when I had Macy, or because I already have three kiddos, but wow.

Of course, we still did some things.  I mean, you can’t stay home all day with three active girls.  But you can try.

Good thing this sweet face is worth it.

Summer Reading Program

Sometime before school was over (maybe early May?), Selah started talking about the summer reading program. Mom, we went to the library today and learned all about the summer reading program. We have to sign up for the summer reading program. I can read books every day and earn points and then go to the library and get a prize. And the librarian said I need to read every day so that I’m ready for the first grade.

I remember nodding and agreeing with her.  Yes, Selah, we will sign up. In my head, I thought – it’s still May.  School is still going on. I will put this information on a shelf in my head and bring it back out in June.

And then came the last week of school.  Mom, did you sign me up for the summer reading program? I need to go ahead and sign up.  I’m going to read at least one book every day during the summer.

Yes, Selah. I promise we will sign up.

Second week of June. School ended June 1. Mom.  Have you signed me up for the summer reading program? The librarian told us we need to keep reading over the summer. I want to be ready for first grade.

End of second week of June. Selah! Guess what?! I signed us up! For the summer reading program! Now, I can log the books you read and you can get a prize.

Yes, Mom! Thank you! I can’t wait to read every day and be ready for first grade!

Macy, I signed you up too! This way, when you read books, you can get prizes from the library.

Oh, Mom. The librarian didn’t say we had to read EVERY day. Just like two or three times a week.

(inward sigh) Well, we’re all going to be reading this summer. At least most days. So go grab a book, Macy.

I think by this point Selah was already sifting through her book selection and choosing which ones she was going to read first.

Happy summer!

 

First and Lasts for the Bigs

It’s hard for me to believe that this school year has come to an end. It’s definitely been a good one – we have certainly been blessed by both of the teachers that Macy and Selah had this year and they each have grown so much. But somehow, the day has come and we have reached the end of kindergarten and third grade.

This school year has seen –

SEVEN field trips. And yes, I went on every one from the Oil Ranch to the Science Museum (twice!) to the Children’s Museum and the Menil.

SIX class parties – Christmas/Valentines/end-of-year. So many hot dogs.

FIVE days a week of matching uniforms (well, most of the time).

FOUR days at Disneyland over Selah’s birthday.

THREE pounds (at least!) of fudge and toffee made for teachers and staff as Christmas gifts.

TWO days off for SNOW! and TWO awards for perfect attendance.

ONE super fun surprise parent visit where Jeff got to play guitar for Selah’s class.

I watched Selah go from only reading a few words to reading chapter books.  I watched Macy learn all of her multiplication facts from 0 through 12.

So goodbye third grade and kindergarten. Time to get ready for first and fourth.